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alyssa706's Journal   that basically sums up my life...i hate being sensitive to dairy....and working at an ice cream shop in the summer....the irony that is my life...I had a dream lastnight about being at work....it made me think about how different this summer might be.....i hate being so resistent sometimes...i wish i wasn't so stubborn...i just don't want things to change....i want things to go on the way that they were so i can be happy and have my place again and not have to build a new one...well actually i'm not sad right now, but i'm also not happy...i guess i'm neutral...and i am living just fine the way things are, i mean things wouldn't have to change from where i am now and i'd still survive....i just don't want it to turn out that way...i want to be where i was because everything else just seems like artificial sweetener in comparison...it took a long time but my heads finally on straight...all i need to do now is stop denying to myself that it's too late and reluctantly start the construction on that new place... Current mood:  quixotic.
so....i got rid of peanut today. For those of you who don't know who peanut is, he was my hamster. At first peanut seemed like a good idea--i was pretty down in the dumps and lonely so i figured a pet might cheer me up...maybe this would've worked if peanut had been a fish...or a cat...or something cool...but nope....he was just a hamster that pooped a lot....This hamster annoyed the living shit out of me too--chewing the bars of his cage all night...throwing wood chips outside of his cage....the fact that i had to feed him and clean his cage every other day....and basically the fact that i had to take care of him in general...also the fact that i was really scared to pick him up so he wouldnt' go in his ball very often and he's now the fattest hamster ever and is pretty mean to me...but for some reason bringing him to his new home really killed me. I'm really worried that the chick that i gave him to...whose name is Sunshine by the way...won't take care of him....luckily she's Meghan's roommate so i can go and check on him everyday and give him fruit and stuff.....it's for the best that Sunshine has him....she was really excited and stuff....i just feel mean....plus i don't know what i'd do with him over spring break....my cat definitely would've ate him...anyway...I miss you already peanut! Never forget me--i'm the chick that gave you carrot sticks and pieces of fruit and screamed everytime she went to touch you...*sigh memories Current mood:  anxious.
Best Buy is a pretty crappy job...not only do i look like a total lesbo in the uniform...but i feel really bad making people spend money....i'm a really big asshole when it comes to selling stuff too...i sold some really nice guy some Dual Subs that handle 1100 watts in both speakers combined today that i know will blow in like a month if they even last that long...he came in with his wife and kids and wanted to get something from best buy because it just opened and he was so excited to buy them...they cost $150 for both 12" subs and the cab...to put that into perspective for people that have no idea how bad that is...12" subs usually cost about $200 just for the sub itself...then you have to buy the cabinet separate...these speakers light up too with LCD lights and are made in south korea....pretty much every 16 year olds dream....oh i also sold a $60 radar detector to some guy that will probably lose his license speeding because it won't work and he'll have no way of getting to work anymore and as a result his family will starve....anyway...i'm a piece of shit. the end Current mood:  guilty.
Best buy grand opening today....i have no idea what i'm talking about...this should be interesting....everyday i ask myself what in god's name was i thinking when i applied for this job...and why did i get hired? Out of 1500 applicants 90 got hired..and i was one of them...i mean what are the odds? i'm so unlucky....by the way, what's a tv? Current mood: anxious.
I've been feeling really good since yesterday....I don't know if this is self deception or if it's justified but i think i'll wallow in it for awhile. I'm sure it's me getting my hopes up for nothing and it will result in a huge downfall. Last time this happened i got too comfortable and got myself into trouble, but for some reason it feels like everything is going to be OK...and even if it's not I can still enjoy the sun before i get burned. Current mood:  happy.
Remember going to the circus when you were little? Seeing the performances, the animals, but most of all getting a balloon. You'd pick that special one out of many...the one that shined and was beautiful...I remember my mom would tell me to never let go of it or I'd lose it. Of course, testing her, I'd let the string slip from my fingers and just before it was out of reach I'd leap and grab its string pulling it down to me again. For some reason, knowing the danger, I'd repeat that until that one dreaded time when I'd leap too late and my fingers would graze the string, but it wasn't enough to harness it...It was so frustrating because only moments before, the string was held tightly in my hand and my balloon was in my possession. It floated freely but was within my reach...one bad decision ended it all in a blink of an eye....I'd watch my balloon soar above my head, twisting and turning farther and farther away from me, never to return.....I wish I had that balloon back...I'd never let go Current mood: hopeful.
Isn't it odd what we put ourselves through? We torture ourselves and burn our tongues just for a taste of pleasure. I've been hearing a lot of apologies lately...and after some careful thought I realized that it is I who should be apologizing. I apologize for picking my heart up from under your feet, brushing off the dust and sand and picking out the stones that were embedded just to take it and return it to your hands--my intuition screaming as your fingers slowly loosened sending everything back to the earth where you danced upon it fiercely, grinding all of me into nothingness. I'm sorry that after so many repairs and restitching my heart hasn't regained its shape and is now hard with scar tissue and is numb to the touch. I'm sorry that I've locked it away in my chest, protected by my fragile ribs that are exposed through this starved flesh where it will forever remain for I've swallowed the key and will not regurgitate. I'm sorry that I listened to my yearning heart instead of my yielding mind and made my soul suffer the consequences time and time again for something that is no longer in existence. My screaming intuition I ignored, my soul I've blackened and my heart made irreparable to anyone but you--but most of all I'm sorry that I don't regret it and that you still play a starring role in my dreams. Current mood: indescribable. I wonder how many times a flood of lies has been used to discredit one truth? I pray for the day that I am blessed with the gift of naivety... Current mood:  annoyed.
I used to look at this feeling as a warning--an alert for the love that I have for you, and I'd respond by reaching out in desperation to hold a hand that wasn't there. Today, I realized that this was fiction, a miscommunication between heart and mind--the feeling in my chest is just the return of the love that I gave you throughout the years; its sudden return and intensity causing a glowing, urgent feeling that traveled throughout my body and soul while it shoved its way back inside of me, slowly falling into its place where it sat before giving it to you. The feeling lessens every day as it refinds its home and reorganizes itself in my heart. Thanks for returning it--someone in the future will thank you too. Current mood: happy.Current music: Fuck was I- Jenny Owen Youngs. I remember being in high school chemistry and learning about how differentiated cells repel one another, resulting in two items never truly touching-- keeping them separate beings. When we would lay together, I'd close my eyes and imagine that our similarities and oneness were in such high degree that we'd defy this law. I'd imagine our cells dancing together as we sunk into each other...becoming one unit...drowning in love. Current mood:  thoughtful.
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